I suppose I've haven't been keeping up with this blog thing so that I don't have to write about Ben. It's one thing to know it, and accept it, but it's a whole different ballgame talking about it and admitting it "out loud." Ben passed away Sat the 10th. There, I said it. I guess the hardest part about it all is how OK I am with it (to an extent). Ben was a great person, easily the best I've ever met. But his life was long and pretty painful for the most part. I know it's a great miracle that he lived through the night after he was born, and everything, but it was a very hard and long 25 years for him. He is finally ok. Watching him suffer this last year, and especially the few days before he left, was the worst thing I've ever experienced. So, even if religion is hoax and a big conspiracy devised to keep people oppressed, or whatever (which I think is crazy), even if when Ben died he became nothing, and there is no afterlife at all...he isn't hurting anymore. I do, however, believe/know that he is still very much alive...just not in his body, and I will see him again. (and, as long as I keep up my end of the bargain, he will still be my brother) I feel weird though. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I cry sometimes, but when I get sad, I almost feel guilty...like I'm being really selfish for wanting him to be with me, because that would mean he would be back in his pain so that I could feel comfort. Is that too weird?
Also, I feel like every time someone asks me how I'm doing (with that sympathetic sigh and head tilt), they are expecting me to fall apart and sob right there in front of them. I don't know. I'm probably crazy, but I almost feel like I let them down a little when I don't so much as well up a tear or two. That's just not the way my family is. We cry, but in our room with the door closed. It's an extremely personal moment and not something I feel comfortable sharing with just anyone.
Anyway, I love him and I miss him.
I thought similarly when my grandparents died. Of course, we don't live near them so no one was asking about them, but I knew that they were in so much pain in the years before they died that it was more of a blessing for them to pass. I know they're very busy doing a great work on the other side, and it was only their health that prevented them doing it in mortality. Your brother is probably busy on his mission in the spirit world- it's our job to do the work on this side for all the spirits they teach. I hope you can feel your brother's comforting presence through the veil. I'm sure he's watching out for you as my grandparents are for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kimberly! We went to the Temple for our Anniversary and it really helped me. I can feel that he is truly happy! All these years he has done all he can to help others, but now he CAN and is helping everyone around him.
ReplyDelete