My brother, BEN.

My brother is probably the best person I know.  He is the most patient and understanding, resilient, empathetic, wonderful person.  Ben was born with CP (cerebral palsey); it's a muscular disability that keeps his brain from sending messages to his muscles.  So while he was little it was a mere matter of not being able to walk/talk/or growing like other kids.  But as he got older, the problems got more advanced.  His muscles stopped growing, but his bones didn't.  As a result he is plagued with incredible pain and scoliosis that makes his back look like a slinky.  Now that his body has stopped growing...his muscles are slowly and steadily beginning to contract and become tighter, making the pain and other problems worse.  Along with that, the stress on his body makes healing from any other wound or sickness exponentially longer and more delicate.

Growing up I don't think I really appreciated him.  I was jealous most of the time that I didn't have a younger brother that could play with me and scare off bullies, or even pull pranks on me.  As I got older, I realized how wonderful he was.  He was my greatest confidant.  My sister, Stephanie, is almost 6 years older that me, so not only did we not have much in common, but she moved out pretty early in my life...when I was about 11 I think. So babysitting Ben fell on me most of the time.  I didn't mind; it's not like I had all that much to do...I mean what does any 12 year old have to do on a Fri night?  So, I spent a lot of time with him.  Early on, he was like my life sized doll!  I could dress him up however I wanted, and he couldn't stop me...but most of the time he was quite willing.  When I got older, and more dramatic, he became the board to bounce all of my ideas and problems off of.  He gave me advice, listened, and kept ALL of my secrets....and I told him all off them in grave detail.  When I was sad, I would lay my head in his lap and he would play with my hair while I cried my eyes out and told him all about the terrible thing that, of course, ended life as I knew it. (those are my most prized memories)  We became so close, I could understand him better than even Mom.

Now, Ben is almost 25.  The doctors don't really know how to treat his growing problems b/c they haven't seen a CP patient live this long before (my mother is the most astounding caretaker that has ever lived).  And his problems are coming in fast and furious.  Probably every month or so he is going back to the Dr. for something that doesn't seem serious, but turns into staying in the hospital for a week.  Most recently he went in on Monday b/c his stomach was hurting all weekend.  (and when I say hurting, I don't mean like you ate bad Chinese food and are just waiting for it to make it's return...I'm talking, the worst migrane you ever experienced, but in your abdomen, if you can imagine that)  So he went to the Dr on Monday.  After checking him out, he decided that it sounded like Pancreatitis and that he should stick to clear liquids until they could test him.  When they ran the test, it came back clear...so they kept him.  Wed, the pain was so bad he got narcotics (hard core pain meds)..that didn't really make a dent in the pain.  Thurs, they gave him even harder narcotics.  This stuff was supposed to knock him out cold...the kind of stuff they give people weaning off of morphine.  He couldn't sleep b/c he still hurt too badly.  Thurs night/ Friday morning at around 1.30a my Uncle James calls me.  Ben has been in really really  bad shape. He coded and they were able to bring him back, but he coded again.  (Apparently it was a bad reaction to the narcotics)  He stopped breathing and it took them a while to bring him back.  On top of that...Mom signed a DNR (do not recessitate) So if he codes again...it will be the last time, and Ben will be gone.  A lot to take in at 1am, especially considering that Mom hadn't updated us since Mon, and last we heard was that he should be out by Thurs.  

So, conflicted with the fact that I don't want to lose my little brother, but I know he's in pain, and it would probably be better for him if he did just pass on...I just let Jared hold me for a while, while I cried.  I, like my Dad, am pretty awesome at denial.  I hadn't come to terms with his impending death, there I said it.  We know it's coming, and soon, but if I don't know when, then why even think about it.  Well, he pulled through.  I don't know how or why...goodness knows I don't have a clue what he could possibly need to do here on Earth that is worth going through so much physical torment.  But he did.  He was officially diagnosed with Pancreatitis (go figure) and is improving more each day.  And the doctors were really worried that since he went so long without Oxygen getting to his brain he would have severe brain damage.  Nope...he was  responsive and even laughing by morning. No brain damage could be detected at all.  Only Ben...  It's been a roller coaster of a weekend.  Being pregnant, I'm way too emotional for my own good already...  I love you Ben!!  Jared and I officially decided that if it's a boy...Benjamin Rivers Kersey. 

My brother is such a special human being.  He will always hold the dearest spot in my heart, and I really can't imagine life without him, ...and I really don't care to start.