Reality

I suppose I've haven't been keeping up with this blog thing so that I don't have to write about Ben.  It's one thing to know it, and accept it, but it's a whole different ballgame talking about it and admitting it "out loud."  Ben passed away Sat the 10th.  There, I said it.  I guess the hardest part about it all is how OK I am with it (to an extent).  Ben was a great person, easily the best I've ever met.  But his life was long and pretty painful for the most part.  I know it's a great miracle that he lived through the night after he was born, and everything, but it was a very hard and long 25 years for him.  He is finally ok.  Watching him suffer this last year, and especially the few days before he left, was the worst thing I've ever experienced.  So, even if religion is hoax and a big conspiracy devised to keep people oppressed, or whatever (which I think is crazy), even if when Ben died he became nothing, and there is no afterlife at all...he isn't hurting anymore.  I do, however, believe/know that he is still very much alive...just not in his body, and I will see him again.  (and, as long as I keep up my end of the bargain, he will still be my brother) I feel weird though.  Yes, I miss him.  Yes, I cry sometimes, but when I get sad, I almost feel guilty...like I'm being really selfish for wanting him to be with me, because that would mean he would be back in his pain so that I could feel comfort.  Is that too weird?
Also, I feel like every time someone asks me how I'm doing (with that sympathetic sigh and head tilt), they are expecting me to fall apart and sob right there in front of them.  I don't know.  I'm probably crazy, but I almost feel like I let them down a little when I don't so much as well up a tear or two.  That's just not the way my family is.  We cry, but in our room with the door closed.  It's an extremely personal moment and not something I feel comfortable sharing with just anyone.

Anyway, I love him and I miss him.

Chop Chop!

This past week has been kind of crazy.  One of the reasons we fell in love with this house is b/c of the back yard.  It is large, fairly flat, and fenced in.  And there are trees...lots and lots of them.  I love trees, don't get me wrong.  I liked being "green" before it was in style.  But these trees aren't fun trees.  They are the ones you worry about falling on your house.  They are Tall, straight, unclimbable and some are dead.  (just in case you didn't know...if a dead tree falls on your house, insurance doesn't pay for it..b/c you should have seen that coming)  So, we decided that with our tax return money we would take care of at least the dead ones.  Quotes ranged from $1600 (yikes) to $3000 (um..double, or triple yikes).  Well, luckily Jared remembered that a guy he worked with and was buddies with in Marietta.  He used to work in the tree cutting business so if nothing else, he could help Jared cut down a couple of the easier ones that don't require climbing.  The morning of, which was Tuesday, Jared called the guy who said he has a friend who is currently in the business and he was coming too.  Well...this guy was AMAZING.  They cut down about 11 trees, and left a good 6 for shade and stuff.  11! We gave them a bit of cash, but even with the supplies we bought, the cash we gave them, and taking them out to dinner, we still saved about $1000 at the least.  I LOVE Jared and his mad marketing skills. Good think he makes friends when he goes to work! 

 This is the guy in his special climbing shoes.

 It was amazing to watch them work.  He ended up piling them all up

right on top of each other.  I can barely throw trash in the

same waste basket!! This guy was awesome.

A before shot. The one all the way to the left is the dead one.  I get

super nervous and can't look out the window enough when there is

even the slightest wind or rain outside.  I will sleep so

much better now that it's gone!

Now, that all of that is cut...out back yard looks like the tornado really did go through it this last time.  We have a fire place, so it's nothing a couple of chainsaws and a service project from the missionaries and the young men from church can't fix. Then we shall plant some grass!! yay!

Meanwhile, I'm so not ready for the next few days!  I have an exam tomorrow (which I'm really not ready for) then another exam on Monday, a paper due on Tuesday, and then another due on Wednesday.  REALLY?  Ugggg....I'm exhausted just thinking about this coming week!  

Sniffle

Being pregnant can be an amazing experience. There really isn't anything like feeling a life growing inside of you.  But all of that excitement doesn't really happen for a while.  I mean the minute the stick turns pink, or the plus shows up there is this burst of WOW, and so much love; it's an indescribable feeling.  Every time you tell someone you relive that burst of amazing awesomeness.  Then sets in morning sickness and you are ridiculously and endlessly tired.  You can't think, and you are crazy most of the time.  It kind of takes the fun out of things and you don't have enough stomach to show for it...THEN...allergies and sickness.  That's where I'm at...except I haven't gotten to the telling people part yet.  I don't know if it's a cold or allergies or what, but it SUCKS.  Audrey had the croup all week last week, which wasn't so terrible during the day, but reared a pretty ugly head at night resulting in several sleepless nights in a row.  So, I'm thinking that has something to do with it.  But one of those wonderful perks of being preggers is that you can't take ANY drugs. Ever.  Not only do we explode physically and mentally, but we are forced to muddle through congenstion, headaches, runny noses, and sore throats.  Wahhhh.  I just want to breathe.  So for now I'm just going to sit here on the couch in a pathetic state surrounded by tissues and eat my taco hoping that the spice is enough to open some airways.

The other day I babysat my nieces.  They are adorable and we had fun, so I thought I'd share.
From left to right: Audrey (15 mo.), Anna (9 mo.), and Holly (4 yrs)

My brother, BEN.

My brother is probably the best person I know.  He is the most patient and understanding, resilient, empathetic, wonderful person.  Ben was born with CP (cerebral palsey); it's a muscular disability that keeps his brain from sending messages to his muscles.  So while he was little it was a mere matter of not being able to walk/talk/or growing like other kids.  But as he got older, the problems got more advanced.  His muscles stopped growing, but his bones didn't.  As a result he is plagued with incredible pain and scoliosis that makes his back look like a slinky.  Now that his body has stopped growing...his muscles are slowly and steadily beginning to contract and become tighter, making the pain and other problems worse.  Along with that, the stress on his body makes healing from any other wound or sickness exponentially longer and more delicate.

Growing up I don't think I really appreciated him.  I was jealous most of the time that I didn't have a younger brother that could play with me and scare off bullies, or even pull pranks on me.  As I got older, I realized how wonderful he was.  He was my greatest confidant.  My sister, Stephanie, is almost 6 years older that me, so not only did we not have much in common, but she moved out pretty early in my life...when I was about 11 I think. So babysitting Ben fell on me most of the time.  I didn't mind; it's not like I had all that much to do...I mean what does any 12 year old have to do on a Fri night?  So, I spent a lot of time with him.  Early on, he was like my life sized doll!  I could dress him up however I wanted, and he couldn't stop me...but most of the time he was quite willing.  When I got older, and more dramatic, he became the board to bounce all of my ideas and problems off of.  He gave me advice, listened, and kept ALL of my secrets....and I told him all off them in grave detail.  When I was sad, I would lay my head in his lap and he would play with my hair while I cried my eyes out and told him all about the terrible thing that, of course, ended life as I knew it. (those are my most prized memories)  We became so close, I could understand him better than even Mom.

Now, Ben is almost 25.  The doctors don't really know how to treat his growing problems b/c they haven't seen a CP patient live this long before (my mother is the most astounding caretaker that has ever lived).  And his problems are coming in fast and furious.  Probably every month or so he is going back to the Dr. for something that doesn't seem serious, but turns into staying in the hospital for a week.  Most recently he went in on Monday b/c his stomach was hurting all weekend.  (and when I say hurting, I don't mean like you ate bad Chinese food and are just waiting for it to make it's return...I'm talking, the worst migrane you ever experienced, but in your abdomen, if you can imagine that)  So he went to the Dr on Monday.  After checking him out, he decided that it sounded like Pancreatitis and that he should stick to clear liquids until they could test him.  When they ran the test, it came back clear...so they kept him.  Wed, the pain was so bad he got narcotics (hard core pain meds)..that didn't really make a dent in the pain.  Thurs, they gave him even harder narcotics.  This stuff was supposed to knock him out cold...the kind of stuff they give people weaning off of morphine.  He couldn't sleep b/c he still hurt too badly.  Thurs night/ Friday morning at around 1.30a my Uncle James calls me.  Ben has been in really really  bad shape. He coded and they were able to bring him back, but he coded again.  (Apparently it was a bad reaction to the narcotics)  He stopped breathing and it took them a while to bring him back.  On top of that...Mom signed a DNR (do not recessitate) So if he codes again...it will be the last time, and Ben will be gone.  A lot to take in at 1am, especially considering that Mom hadn't updated us since Mon, and last we heard was that he should be out by Thurs.  

So, conflicted with the fact that I don't want to lose my little brother, but I know he's in pain, and it would probably be better for him if he did just pass on...I just let Jared hold me for a while, while I cried.  I, like my Dad, am pretty awesome at denial.  I hadn't come to terms with his impending death, there I said it.  We know it's coming, and soon, but if I don't know when, then why even think about it.  Well, he pulled through.  I don't know how or why...goodness knows I don't have a clue what he could possibly need to do here on Earth that is worth going through so much physical torment.  But he did.  He was officially diagnosed with Pancreatitis (go figure) and is improving more each day.  And the doctors were really worried that since he went so long without Oxygen getting to his brain he would have severe brain damage.  Nope...he was  responsive and even laughing by morning. No brain damage could be detected at all.  Only Ben...  It's been a roller coaster of a weekend.  Being pregnant, I'm way too emotional for my own good already...  I love you Ben!!  Jared and I officially decided that if it's a boy...Benjamin Rivers Kersey. 

My brother is such a special human being.  He will always hold the dearest spot in my heart, and I really can't imagine life without him, ...and I really don't care to start.